Everything tastes better with humor. We’ve all read one or more versions of the ‘you have two cows’ parody. Here is a new twist on ‘two cow’ satire to explain some of the world’s most notorious economies.

Traditional Capitalism:

You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

American Capitalism:

You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a dept/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a tech startup to help you keep track of your many leveraged cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

French Capitalism:

You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

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German Capitalism:

You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat only once a month, and milk themselves.

British Capitalism:

You have two cows. Both are mad.

Canadian Capitalism:

You have two cows. Come to think of it, they look more like a pair of moose – in fact, yes they are. One speaks French, one speaks English. One fights to create a new country, the other won’t let it. They both play ice hockey rather well.

Italian Capitalism:

You have two cows. You don’t know where they are, You break for siesta and dream about cows on pizza.

Russian Capitalism:

You have two cows. You count them and learn you have seven cows. You count them again and learn you have 14 cows. You count them again and learn you have 28 cows. You stop counting cows and just open another bottle of vodka.

Swiss Capitalism:

You have 1000 fat cows. Not a single one belongs to you. You charge an outrageous fee to park them on the swiss alps and sweeten the deal with some tax-free chocolate.

Chinese Capitalism:

You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest and detain without trial the journalist who reported the number of cows.

Japanese Capitalism:

You have two cows. They deflate the price of milk and are recalled.

The Stock Market

Wall Street has two cows. Both are sick, but they are on steroids and look better than any other cow.

Simon Maierhofer is the publisher of the Profit Radar Report. The Profit Radar Report presents complex market analysis (S&P 500, Dow Jones, gold, silver, euro and bonds) in an easy format. Technical analysis, sentiment indicators, seasonal patterns and common sense are all wrapped up into two or more easy-to-read weekly updates. All Profit Radar Report recommendations resulted in a 59.51% net gain in 2013.

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